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Look at that beard!

I would argue, if you’re going to take up Homesteading, you’re going to need a beard. Ladies this includes you. There’s tons of places you can get a beard. Anyplace hipsters hang out. Classic Rock concerts. Hippy gatherings. Biker Bars. And I don’t know much about farmersonly.com, but I’m betting there’s a lot of beards there.

Men, here are the benefits of having a beard:

  • You can diffuse essential oils with it.
  • It makes you handsome.
  • It comforts goats.
  • Baby chicks go silent once they get underneath it.
  • It gives you something to do while trying to figure out how to solve a problem that you have no business solving.
  • People believe you if you say something about farming and gardening, no matter how ridiculous it sounds — For real. If you say something like “I like to spread manure with a large kitchen spoon, as it ensures proper coverage and allows me to control it better,” people will immediately think to themselves “Well, with a beard like that, he’s got to know something.” Use this power wisely.
  • You can put beads in it!

Ladies, here’s why you want a man with a beard in your life:

  • You know if he’s unfaithful (Perfume gets in that thing like crazy)
  • If you wear glitter, you can mark him as yours (glitter never comes out of a beard)
  • You can stand him up in front of your farmer’s market stand and have customers take pictures with him.
  • It gives you something to grab if you need to get his attention.
  • Crafts — Glitter beards, Christmas Beards, Flower Beards, etc. Just think of how jealous your Pinterest friends will be!
  • You can put beads in it!
  • You can convince the beard host (husband, farmhand, friend) to do chores via his vanity. Try saying, “You know, I bet with a beard like that you could really split some firewood like a real man,” and watch how fast it piles up. You don’t even have to be romantically involved with him to do it! Use this power wisely.

If you find yourself in possession of a beard, you will have to care for it. Shampoo and condition it regularly, and oil it. (See my beard oil recipe below).

Keeping it clean and shampooed ensures that it’s touchable, and prevents you from crossing that fine line between Wise Sage and Rabid Hobo. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Hobo — some of my favorite relatives were hobos. And even more were just rabid.

Oiling your beard also prevents discomfort and ingrown hairs. There’s nothing worse than having an infected cyst form because you decided to grow a bit of facial hair. Also, while it’s growing, the oil will prevent the itchiness that often causes men to give up and shave.

Here’s my recipe for beard oil

Ingredients:

One Tablespoon of Coconut Oil (Olive Oil also works)

Instructions:

Put it in your beard.

That’s it. Coconut oil has anti-viral, anti-fugal and anti-bacterial qualities that will help prevent ingrown hairs. And the oil serves as a conditioner that straightens hair and prevents breakage — which makes it a lot easier to grow. It also makes your beard smell a bit like a cookie and everyone loves that.

If you’re feeling really frisky, you can add essential oils — I like Juniper Berry and Lavender. You can also use Rosemary which has a reputation for promote hair growth.

If you don’t know where to get essential oils, buy them from my wife. She’s got all that information.

With these handful of tips, you’re on your way to get everything you need to be a proper homesteader — a really handsome beard.

Want more homesteading tips? Buy my book, Homesteading From Scratch. There’s almost nothing about beards in it, but you’ll learn everything you need to know to get started homesteading tomorrow. Get it at Barnes and Noble or here on Amazon.

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